Hi Everyone

It seems like forever since I have actually wrote a post for my blog. My new year thing was to start blogging again but real life happens and it has a way of putting any plans I have on hold for a while.

I wanted to take a moment to give an update on my health, I am feeling a little better pain wise but not a big lot. I am in treatment for my PTSD and depression and yes I am even taking medication and I just finished up a group therapy and my psychiatrist have suggested I take some counselling sessions for BPD and my PTSD. I will be assessed for that in a couple of weeks

So enough about that. I still haven’t decided what I wanted this blog to be about so I guess I will continue rambling on about different things and hopefully you will stick with me.

Twenty eighteen was not a good year for us, it seems we are always struggling and looking for the light we know is coming but can’t seem to catch a glimpse of it yet. My husband had an accident a year and a half ago and now the doctor and put him off work completely because of his injuries.

We had to move forom our previously beautiful big condo and moved to a beautiful very small apartment because of finance and health reasons and I had to downsize quite a bit so that is taking some getting use to.

It’s hard when I’m going down my little hallway and if Mike decides to come from the opposite direction one of us has to step to the side or backup 🙂 We have got used to it has much as possible in the year we have been here and if nothing else it has brought us closer (play on words)

The cats MaCavity and Shylah are still doing good except for MaCavity (Maine Coon) got bad legs and some days you can see he is in pain. Shylah (Siamese) still hates me and refuses to even be in the same room as I am but she has taken a liking to Mike so at least she is having some kind of human relationship.

I can’t believe its the 20th of January already and we just got our first significant snowfall and now the temps are bitterly cold but it’s too late in the season to complain I guess.

Well now that is all out of the way I am going to go look for something for lunch and be lazy the rest of the day. Say hi if you’re still out there and still following so I can drop by and check on your news.

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Nightmares

Last night had to be the night I had the worst nightmare of my life! I have been having terrible nightmares on and off now for the last 18  years, well since I got out of my abusive first marriage. I am seeing a Psychiatrist so I told him how they have intensified since I have started my group therapy that my therapist is having. Does anyone else ever get sick of therapy, therapy and more therapy? Anyways the Psychiatrist prescribed Prazosin 1mg and I still had the nightmares but they immediately lost the intense fear and panic that it left me in.

Then there was last night! The nightmare left me crying uncontrollably and unable to distinguish from still being asleep or awake for a good thirty to forth five minutes.

I was sure the perpetrator was still in the apartment and he had just went outside the room. I even heard the door shut or so I thought.

I’ve been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, PTSD and recently BPD (Fuck I hate labels)

I guess I’m just looking to hear from other people who have experience the same type of things and how you handle it, so please comment

Good Times

I am so excited about this coming year but first I have to be excited about my favorite time of the whole year. It’s almost Christmas time!!

I know I haven’t been around much and I’ve said a few times that I would be blogging more and then fell short but 2019 is going to be different. I have so many exciting things going on even right now.

I have finally got on the right meds for my depression and anxiety and its doing me a world of good. I’m also in group therapy for my past abuse (thank you abusive idiot first mistake husband).

I”m seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist and I’m feeling a lot better than I have for a long time. I’m finally dealing with what happen to me and learning to deal with and have a happy future.

Since I’ve started  the antidepressant and also a pill for my PTSD that make my dreams less vivid and easier to deal with, my pain level has dropped to a level that is much easier to deal with.

I’m getting out more and I even drive myself to my therapy sessions, which is a major feat for me to do.

So as you can see my life has really taken a turn for the better and I can only hope that good things will continue to happen. I have more good news of things that are going to happen in 2019 and I will share these with you all at a later time.

Anyways, I hope you all are being well and safe and will have a great holiday season. Please click on my Instagram feed to enjoy some snaps  of my home and how it looks when a crazed Christmas person is in charge!

Kat

 

 

 

I decided to Stay

 

This pass June was seventeen years since I decided to stay …. I had got to the place where I knew someone was going to die and more likely than not it would have been me …..

I had suffered being beaten, threaten, choked into unconsciousness, insulted, isolated, violated, monitored, judged, humiliated, belongings destroyed, blamed and forgotten and in all that there were children …..

But thank God in the spring of 2001 when one of the hundreds of times I had left,  my abuser convinced me to take a ride to a deserted woods road where things were getting out of hands in a very weird and violence way …. I looked out the window of the truck and there was a clearing off to the side and I saw something like I was watching on a TV …..

I saw myself laying on the ground dead and my abuser standing over me and I knew instantly I was being warned …They say your life flashed before your eyes but the end of mine flashed before mine …. When we were leaving my abuser stopped the truck and backed into the clearing and looked at me and than slowly left ….I did what I had to do that day to stay alive but when I asked my abuser days after why he had backed into the clearing he said “to kill you”

 I am so glad that after many night of not being allowed to sleep and rocking back and forth on a bathroom floor with scissors in my hands begging God to give me the courage to kill myself I got up and decided to stay …I am so happy I decided to stay here and not let this terrible time take me ….

Oh the things this girl would have missed!!!!! 




Here is a poem I wrote a few years after I left

The Past

She was sleeping soundly when she awaken by a voice

The sound of someone calling it’s time to make your choice

When she opened her eyes the darkness made it hard for her to see

Then she heard I’m the ghost of your past and you must come with me

 

Her heart pounding she said who are you and where are you taking me

He answered I’m taking you on a journey to your past and how things used to be

She said No please I cannot go it’s a time I have tried so hard to forget

He said Sorry you must come with me before your destiny is set

 

She stood with him in a doorway and watched a happy little child

Playing with her favorite doll and on her face there was a smile

Then she saw a child a little older playing baseball with her friends

She was so carefree and happy it seemed her smiles knew no end

 

She said why did you bring me here can’t you see that child is me

Those were the good time from my childhood there is nothing here to see

Then all of a sudden the child was gone and a young girl had taken her place

But she was huddled in a corner without a smile and bruises on her face

She had been in such a hurry to find love she had grown up far too fast

She had married a man who abused her and was now back facing her past

She looked at the ghost and said you know I really thought I was doing right

I never dreamt he would hurt me and make me so afraid of the night

 

She opened her eyes and once more she was back lying in her bed again

She thought it all had been a dream and it left her feeling so much pain

She buried her head in her pillow to try to forget a past she thought was done

Not knowing she had so much more to face tonight her nightmares had just begun

The Present

She had just drifted off again when she heard another voice

I’m the ghost of your present and you must make your choice

She thought why is this happening to me I cannot take much more

But suddenly she was standing by a house just outside the door

She knew at once this place had been her first home right after she had wed

She heard people screaming and dishes being smashed the noise just echoed in her head

What was she doing here she thought as she opened the door and stepped inside

This place was suppose to have been her castle but oh someone had lied

She saw a lady sitting at the window with a blank stare on her face

She turned and said to the ghost beside her why did you bring me to this place

This was the place where I lost all trust in a man that I had loved with all my heart

He promised me love and protection but instead this was where all my pain would start

She saw herself losing her little baby and facing that terrible time all alone

She watched as he cut off all ties with the outside world even taking away her phone then the day she had her ears pierced and he switched her rubbing alcohol for bleach

She saw him as it burned her ears and knew he did it because a lesson he had to teach

Then she saw herself in a car her grandfather and uncle taking her away from him

Her eyes all black her nose and ribs broken and blood running down her chin

She saw them stopping at the hospital because the bleeding from her nose wouldn’t stop

She’s telling her uncle tell them I was in a car accident don’t let them call the cops

She saw as she lay on the couch at her aunt’s house medicated and so alone

Then she heard his voice saying is my wife here I’ve come to take her home

She heard him as he said my God what have I done to you please forgive me

She saw herself in a car again on her way back to where he said she was meant to be

She watched as each blow from his hand caused scars that she would bury deep

She saw herself grow more withdrawn each day and not being able to sleep

She saw as she convinced herself that it would all change someday

She watched the love she had for this man slowly being taken away

She covered her eyes and fell to her knees and said please this pain is too hard to bear

I can’t watch this anymore she pleaded won’t you please take me from here

She found herself back in her bed but this time tears were flowing down her face

She knew she would never sleep now so back and forth the room she paced

But more was in store for her tonight and her nightmares had not yet come to an end

She would take another trip and she was feeling so weak her legs became to bend

She lay on her bed again and cried while memories were flooding inside her head

She knew another ghost would come and she was so scared laying there in her bed

The Future

She must have fallen back to sleep but was awaken by another voice

I am the ghost of your future and you must make your choice

She shook her head and looked at the ghost and said No I refuse to go

But suddenly she was standing in a place all alone and she was shaking so

She was standing in her home but something terrible had happen here tonight

There was nothing only silence and she knew it was all over she had stopped the fight

She walked towards the bathroom and slowly began to turn the knob

When she opened the door she fell down on the floor and she began to sob

She saw herself laying there and she knew at once what was going on

She had thought about this so often and knew it would happen before long

She sits on the floor next to the lifeless woman whose life had been filled with pain

She whispered you’re ok now sweet lady for its peace you will now gain

She said to the ghost this is no surprise for me I knew this night would come

There was nothing I could do to stop this she had no place else left to run

But the ghost just shook his head and said tonight you will make your choice

This doesn’t have to happen you can stop this and with that he raised his voice

There is still hope for you he said and you’re much stronger then you think you are

For this was done to show you the wounds can close and all will remain is a scar

So I beg of you before I go please won’t you think about what you have seen

For your destiny was being set tonight and I tell you this wasn’t just a dream

Once more she was back in her bed but silence also filled this room

She had never felt so helpless and frighten her heart was filled with gloom

She knew a choice had to be made tonight on how her life would go

She got up from her bed and smiled as of to the bathroom she did go

She knew now what she had to do she would not let this man win

She would pack her bags and run so far and never return again

She realized she owed herself so much more then what she had gotten there

Thanks to what she  saw tonight her path now had become  clear

She realized her new journey wouldn’t always be easy and some days she would cry

But she wasn’t prepared to give up yet and she certainly didn’t want to die

She looked into the mirror and tried to catch a glimpse of the girl she had buried so long ago

And for one brief moment she was sure she saw a little girl smiling back her face all aglow

©2008

kbair

Keep me safe from harm

My pain has been so bad these past few weeks, it seems like each day it gets worst. I am fighting so hard to stay here but sometimes I feel like I can’t take another minute of the pain and I pray to God or someone, anyone that is in control of my days on this earth and beg for them to just let me die. I often say it out loud and I see Mike looking at me and he looks so helpless and sad and its then I say; I know you don’t want me to die but can you at least try to understand why I sometimes want it. he says really quietly I know and we just sit here together and regain our strength to fight this terrible thing that has taken life away from the both of us

I know that I want to spend everyday I can with this wonderful man. No one in my life have ever loved me like he do everyday. So its for him that I go on because he has filled my life with beautiful memories before I got fibromyalgia and everyday he keeps me safe from harm.

He found this beautiful song for me 🙂

 

 

What kills you

Well I’m having another bed day, my fibromyalgia is flaring and my arthritis is out of control. I’m not sure if it’s one or the other or both, all I know for sure is I’m in extreme pain and I can’t move.

I hate days like this because there is nothing I can do to stop this pain from invading my whole body. I feel trapped and overcome.

i even googled can arthritis kill you today and I don’t think it can but the pain can. It robs you of so many pleasures and yes even years off your life.

I just want this pain to go away and let me have a few days of peace but I’ve already resigned to the fact that is never going to happen.

please say a prayer for me and all people who are living with chronic pain. It’s not an easy life.