I decided to Stay

 

This pass June was seventeen years since I decided to stay …. I had got to the place where I knew someone was going to die and more likely than not it would have been me …..

I had suffered being beaten, threaten, choked into unconsciousness, insulted, isolated, violated, monitored, judged, humiliated, belongings destroyed, blamed and forgotten and in all that there were children …..

But thank God in the spring of 2001 when one of the hundreds of times I had left,  my abuser convinced me to take a ride to a deserted woods road where things were getting out of hands in a very weird and violence way …. I looked out the window of the truck and there was a clearing off to the side and I saw something like I was watching on a TV …..

I saw myself laying on the ground dead and my abuser standing over me and I knew instantly I was being warned …They say your life flashed before your eyes but the end of mine flashed before mine …. When we were leaving my abuser stopped the truck and backed into the clearing and looked at me and than slowly left ….I did what I had to do that day to stay alive but when I asked my abuser days after why he had backed into the clearing he said “to kill you”

 I am so glad that after many night of not being allowed to sleep and rocking back and forth on a bathroom floor with scissors in my hands begging God to give me the courage to kill myself I got up and decided to stay …I am so happy I decided to stay here and not let this terrible time take me ….

Oh the things this girl would have missed!!!!! 




Here is a poem I wrote a few years after I left

The Past

She was sleeping soundly when she awaken by a voice

The sound of someone calling it’s time to make your choice

When she opened her eyes the darkness made it hard for her to see

Then she heard I’m the ghost of your past and you must come with me

 

Her heart pounding she said who are you and where are you taking me

He answered I’m taking you on a journey to your past and how things used to be

She said No please I cannot go it’s a time I have tried so hard to forget

He said Sorry you must come with me before your destiny is set

 

She stood with him in a doorway and watched a happy little child

Playing with her favorite doll and on her face there was a smile

Then she saw a child a little older playing baseball with her friends

She was so carefree and happy it seemed her smiles knew no end

 

She said why did you bring me here can’t you see that child is me

Those were the good time from my childhood there is nothing here to see

Then all of a sudden the child was gone and a young girl had taken her place

But she was huddled in a corner without a smile and bruises on her face

She had been in such a hurry to find love she had grown up far too fast

She had married a man who abused her and was now back facing her past

She looked at the ghost and said you know I really thought I was doing right

I never dreamt he would hurt me and make me so afraid of the night

 

She opened her eyes and once more she was back lying in her bed again

She thought it all had been a dream and it left her feeling so much pain

She buried her head in her pillow to try to forget a past she thought was done

Not knowing she had so much more to face tonight her nightmares had just begun

The Present

She had just drifted off again when she heard another voice

I’m the ghost of your present and you must make your choice

She thought why is this happening to me I cannot take much more

But suddenly she was standing by a house just outside the door

She knew at once this place had been her first home right after she had wed

She heard people screaming and dishes being smashed the noise just echoed in her head

What was she doing here she thought as she opened the door and stepped inside

This place was suppose to have been her castle but oh someone had lied

She saw a lady sitting at the window with a blank stare on her face

She turned and said to the ghost beside her why did you bring me to this place

This was the place where I lost all trust in a man that I had loved with all my heart

He promised me love and protection but instead this was where all my pain would start

She saw herself losing her little baby and facing that terrible time all alone

She watched as he cut off all ties with the outside world even taking away her phone then the day she had her ears pierced and he switched her rubbing alcohol for bleach

She saw him as it burned her ears and knew he did it because a lesson he had to teach

Then she saw herself in a car her grandfather and uncle taking her away from him

Her eyes all black her nose and ribs broken and blood running down her chin

She saw them stopping at the hospital because the bleeding from her nose wouldn’t stop

She’s telling her uncle tell them I was in a car accident don’t let them call the cops

She saw as she lay on the couch at her aunt’s house medicated and so alone

Then she heard his voice saying is my wife here I’ve come to take her home

She heard him as he said my God what have I done to you please forgive me

She saw herself in a car again on her way back to where he said she was meant to be

She watched as each blow from his hand caused scars that she would bury deep

She saw herself grow more withdrawn each day and not being able to sleep

She saw as she convinced herself that it would all change someday

She watched the love she had for this man slowly being taken away

She covered her eyes and fell to her knees and said please this pain is too hard to bear

I can’t watch this anymore she pleaded won’t you please take me from here

She found herself back in her bed but this time tears were flowing down her face

She knew she would never sleep now so back and forth the room she paced

But more was in store for her tonight and her nightmares had not yet come to an end

She would take another trip and she was feeling so weak her legs became to bend

She lay on her bed again and cried while memories were flooding inside her head

She knew another ghost would come and she was so scared laying there in her bed

The Future

She must have fallen back to sleep but was awaken by another voice

I am the ghost of your future and you must make your choice

She shook her head and looked at the ghost and said No I refuse to go

But suddenly she was standing in a place all alone and she was shaking so

She was standing in her home but something terrible had happen here tonight

There was nothing only silence and she knew it was all over she had stopped the fight

She walked towards the bathroom and slowly began to turn the knob

When she opened the door she fell down on the floor and she began to sob

She saw herself laying there and she knew at once what was going on

She had thought about this so often and knew it would happen before long

She sits on the floor next to the lifeless woman whose life had been filled with pain

She whispered you’re ok now sweet lady for its peace you will now gain

She said to the ghost this is no surprise for me I knew this night would come

There was nothing I could do to stop this she had no place else left to run

But the ghost just shook his head and said tonight you will make your choice

This doesn’t have to happen you can stop this and with that he raised his voice

There is still hope for you he said and you’re much stronger then you think you are

For this was done to show you the wounds can close and all will remain is a scar

So I beg of you before I go please won’t you think about what you have seen

For your destiny was being set tonight and I tell you this wasn’t just a dream

Once more she was back in her bed but silence also filled this room

She had never felt so helpless and frighten her heart was filled with gloom

She knew a choice had to be made tonight on how her life would go

She got up from her bed and smiled as of to the bathroom she did go

She knew now what she had to do she would not let this man win

She would pack her bags and run so far and never return again

She realized she owed herself so much more then what she had gotten there

Thanks to what she  saw tonight her path now had become  clear

She realized her new journey wouldn’t always be easy and some days she would cry

But she wasn’t prepared to give up yet and she certainly didn’t want to die

She looked into the mirror and tried to catch a glimpse of the girl she had buried so long ago

And for one brief moment she was sure she saw a little girl smiling back her face all aglow

©2008

kbair

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Keep me safe from harm

My pain has been so bad these past few weeks, it seems like each day it gets worst. I am fighting so hard to stay here but sometimes I feel like I can’t take another minute of the pain and I pray to God or someone, anyone that is in control of my days on this earth and beg for them to just let me die. I often say it out loud and I see Mike looking at me and he looks so helpless and sad and its then I say; I know you don’t want me to die but can you at least try to understand why I sometimes want it. he says really quietly I know and we just sit here together and regain our strength to fight this terrible thing that has taken life away from the both of us

I know that I want to spend everyday I can with this wonderful man. No one in my life have ever loved me like he do everyday. So its for him that I go on because he has filled my life with beautiful memories before I got fibromyalgia and everyday he keeps me safe from harm.

He found this beautiful song for me 🙂

 

 

What kills you

Well I’m having another bed day, my fibromyalgia is flaring and my arthritis is out of control. I’m not sure if it’s one or the other or both, all I know for sure is I’m in extreme pain and I can’t move.

I hate days like this because there is nothing I can do to stop this pain from invading my whole body. I feel trapped and overcome.

i even googled can arthritis kill you today and I don’t think it can but the pain can. It robs you of so many pleasures and yes even years off your life.

I just want this pain to go away and let me have a few days of peace but I’ve already resigned to the fact that is never going to happen.

please say a prayer for me and all people who are living with chronic pain. It’s not an easy life.

 

 

That moment you hesitate

How many times have we felt that urge to do something so totally off beat and we ignore it? Have you ever thought about the blessing you or maybe that other person lost out on because you failed to act? Let me tell you what happen to me.

It was Friday July 20th, We were on our way back home from what was suppose to be a fun day. My whole body was in pain and we had stopped for gas when I noticed a young man standing by his bike at the front of the store. He was so skinny and looked so empty. I watched how he was watching Mike pump our gas and it made me feel a little uncomfortable. I was beginning to think he was some drug crazed killer and I was getting more nervous, now I should tell you this was in early evening and there were other people all around.

Then I watched him take this shiny card case from his pocket and start walking towards Mike and heard him say something about gift cards and 20 dollars and I heard Mike tell him he wasn’t interested and watched as he slowly walked back. He stood there for awhile looking around and then he took his energy drink from his bag, took a sip, looked around some more AND that’s when something totally off beat happened!

I had sold our old recliner online a few days earlier and I had the 20 dollars in my purse. While the young man I’m assuming at this point, a homeless person or a drug addict maybe even both continued to look around I’m guessing to see where he could find someone else to ask, I had gotten to the place I was starting to understand this young man and beginning to share what he was feeling. I was feeling empathy for him All this was happening so much faster than I’m telling it because Mike was still pumping gas. THEN I had that urge and hear that voice we so often ignore and it said “call him over, you have 20 dollars but before you give it to him, ask him where his mom is”. Well first I thought I will get Mike to go in change the 20 and give him 10 and with that Mike got in the car.

Mike explained what had happen outside and how the gift cards were stolen and not activated so he had said no and I explained in short form what I was feeling and then we looked and he was gone. We went slowly off the parking lot looking for him because at this point we both wanted to give him the 20 but he was gone!

There is no happy ending to my story, I cried and sobbed and thought how I could have make a difference. I was angry because I had second guessed everything and for a brief time forgot my life and how I had been blessed so much lately and where I had come from and how I had gotten to where I am now.

The 20 is still in my purse and I’ve started praying ever night for that young man, that god will protect him and help him find his way.

Empathy: What a funny word

 

Empathy – the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.

Why is it so hard for people to have empathy for others that have a mental illness or a chronic disease? I use to think it was because of the lack of evidence that something is wrong or people are just not educated enough about mental or chronic illnesses but in this day and age with so much focus being put on both issues I  truly believe its because in order to have empathy people have to stop for a second and become engaged with that person. If they want to experience empathy they have to engage long enough to put themselves in that person’s shoes and that takes time. I’m not saying you have to strike up a conversation with every person you meet to see what their story is because we do all have a story just some are more well written! I mean people in your space; people in your family, people at your workplace, people in your community. You already know enough of their story and you have been routinely saying “feel better soon” or “try to be positive”  when you see or hear they are having a rough time.

Don’t you know that people with mental or chronic disease are committing suicide or I  say killing themselves because that is what is happening they are killed, they are gone! They are doing it  day after day and its not because someone didn’t like their facebook post or the voices inside their head told them or they were seeking attention. Its because of the lack of empathy from anyone. I have lots of friends that live far away from me and I truly believe they care but besides my husband the only one I can remember in the last few years of showing any signs of empathy about my illnesses was my doctor that I go to to get my injections for my pain and my IV treatment, His  name  is Dr Lena and when he pats my hands or ask if what he is doing is helping or how I am feeling today I feel empathy, I feel understood and I feel like I’m not alone.

People stop asking how you are doing after awhile because when you are truthful and tell them they don’t want to really engage so they stop  asking and before long they avoid you as much as they can because they don’t want to talk to you “when you’re feeling this way” It all comes back to not wanting to be engaged and take that few seconds and share in the feelings of that person.  I think the hardest part of all this is when families start doing the same thing and you just become the one that everyone can agree about at family gatherings. The one that never shows up so you stop inviting them, the one that is not worth a visit because then you are staring at mental illness and chronic pain in its own environment and you may be forced to engage.

I have learned a lot about myself this year and how things would bother me and get me all upset. I’ve learned that life really is short and you can never go back and change anything, I’ve learned that the person I once thought was a monster is still a monster but hes just not scary to me anymore and at the end of it all we all have a story and we all make choices and sometimes we make dumb choices because we didn’t think of the consequences that follow or sometimes our choices are made because of our circumstances and their consequences is brutal and affects us and ripples out to affect so many people sometimes generations. Somewhere a long the way someone has to stop for that few seconds and become engaged. To be able to share along with the people who have mental and chronic illness you have to take time to share their pain and insecurities and its then they feel your empathy.

Why Travel Far

Why do we think we have to travel far to have a great adventure. There are old flea markets to linger in and old book stores right where we are, lakes to be amazed at, and beautiful beaches to take strolls on and most importantly have an ice cream date and just talk.I remember when we would take rides down Main street in Boise  with the windows rolled down, playing Tom Petty and Van Morrison songs. They were such fun nights and dates

We would tell each other stories and you would sing to me and we were happy God damn it!!!! I miss those days and we can do the same right here in Ontario we live next to a lake for Christ sake and complain because we have no where to go.

I want to explore with you and be crazy!

I will stand by you

I have writers block! I have written close to 50 poems and have an E-Book out and I thought  I was able to express myself quite well but it seems I spend so much time here with my mind racing of all the topics I would like to express my view on and not being able to make my fingers glide across my keyboard in an effortless way of doing what I am wanting them to do.

20180425_224610

I dressed up my writing corner as you can see from the above snap with things that inspire me.  My Boom 2 Speaker to listen to Jack White, Ryan Adams, John Prine, Tom Petty and even Nirvana but no that doesn’t work. My smell of fresh laundry from my Laundry Room candles. Pretty flowers in a blue Ball Mason Jar, a snap of who I came from, a snap of my husband Michael and I, a ladies hat I got at a beautiful flea market in Fort Collins Colorado, a fresh and brightly painted &,  and 2 signs declaring my belief in true love but still nothing

Do I have to be in emotional pain to put words to my thoughts or is it simply lack of concentration and determination? I swear to the gods of poetry and writing that some of my topic are to express things that are deep and sad and would unburden my soul that is filled with questions with no answers and pain that grips me everyday.

I want to know if I’m an easy person to like or if there is anyone that would have my back at the end of the day. If I called on people to stand by me and pick me would they or am I unworthy to even have people. I wonder if I expect too much from people. Most importantly I ponder why I feel like I have to have someone to choose me or my side for just once. Please don’t get me wrong I have a man that would stand by my side through hell’s flames but isn’t that what is expected from two people that love each other and made a commitment to be there.

A great President Barack Obama once said “To anyone out there who has ever been assaulted: You will never be alone. You are never alone. We have your backIve got your back.” So why can’t we expect such things from people who know us and supposedly love us.

Let me tell you a little story before I stop writing about my writers block! Today I though about a very important person in my life and through that person I had become Facebook friends with a friend that they were very close to at one point in their life and even had a relationship with them and this person  showed nothing but disrepect and dislike for someone my friend and I cared deeply about. Now my friend and his friend parted ways and now are even friend with each other anymore but the friend of the friend remained on my Facebook for quite awhile and even though we never talked I wonder what that related to my good friend. Tonight I removed them from my list and I doubt they will even notice but I felt like I had someone’s back and I felt proud. Was that a good thing, a crazy thing thing or a thing that doesn’t even matter?

 

“Oh, why you look so sad, the tears are in your eyes,
Come on and come to me now, and don’t be ashamed to cry,
Let me see you through, ’cause I’ve seen the dark side too.
When the night falls on you, you don’t know what to do,
Nothing you confess could make me love you less,

I’ll stand by you,
I’ll stand by you, won’t let nobody hurt you,
I’ll stand by you
So if you’re mad, get mad, don’t hold it all inside,
Come on and talk to me now.
Hey there, what you got to hide?
I get angry too, well, I’m alive like you.
When you’re standing at the cross roads,
And don’t know which path to choose,
Let me come along, ’cause even if you’re wrong
I’ll stand by you,
I’ll stand by you, won’t let nobody hurt you,
I’ll stand by you.”